you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
