I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I know her cup size but not her name....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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