come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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