I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
