I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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