can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
