I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
