Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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