There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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