My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
