If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
