I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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