Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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