New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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