Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
