I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
