ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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