sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
