During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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