is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When did angry sex become our thing?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize