Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
