Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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