im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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