God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
