You were right. It hurts to walk today.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
