Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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