his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
