you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
