Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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