It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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