i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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