names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
