I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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