so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize