Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
