Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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