Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
