You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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