Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
