Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
