She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
