I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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