i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
