So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
