Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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