I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize