Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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