just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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