I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
