hotel room ftw
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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