I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
