Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
