I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
