I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize