Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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