dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
