Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
BRING THE BAGELS
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
