i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
