I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
