We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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