i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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