she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I hope mine doesn't look like that
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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