So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
