my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
