I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
