I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize